Haunted again by that pesky inner critic. Always getting in my way of my art.
At first I thought it was just me not ready to get back to my “real” art work of painting. Then I was thinking I was “settling” to do my vines/lines. Finding myself even thinking of them being more “marketable” anyway. Then the evil “who do you think you are?” started creeping in again. ANd starting to compare with other artists. Jealousy and anger started in again. I knew I was in trouble.
Thing is I’m not ready to get back into my “real” art work of painting. It dawned on me this night that when I paint it is SO visceral TO visceral of an experience for me right now. For when I paint it is my WHOLE body mind and soul that goes into those paintings. And no I’m not ready to do that, go there, and more importantly feel all of it.
Now about my vines/trees/lines…
I’m not “settling” to do them. I am settling myself BY them and INTO them. marketable or not doesn’t matter. I’m getting something from it more then money and what money can’t buy. A path to my center. How long will it continue? I don’t know. But for however long I can keep coming back to it anyway.
ANd why oh why do I keep letting that inner critic speak to me BEFORE I even really create/paint something. the critique is for building up, getting better not for the tear down or comparison of artists. I hate that it keeps bullying me. and with this I hope I’m standing up to the evil critic. and I don’t have time for jealousy either. it sucks so much energy out of me. So much time.
It is TIME to create it, paint it, write it, whatever. Set it out into the world and see where it goes. Where doesn’t matter. IT and me have to fly. When we are ready. When we find our center. WHen we feel our center. When we create. When we write. When we Paint. We will fly.
Jan 26
Haunted again
Dear God, I have a request. Can you let my father hang on until I get home?
I don’t want to be here when he passes. It may be selfish, but I want to be at home with my kids and husband. I don’t want to be present when the chaos of the time happens.
I want to feel safe. This place is not safe.
His breathing patterns have been changing. and now he even is having sounds that can be confused with snoring. Which to me means his breathing is more labored. I will check on him again before putting in my earbuds and listen to something anything else other than his breathing and the oxygen concentrator. and maybe catch a nap.
I feel better this night because a sister who I can depend on more is here. The sister who was supposed to take this night shift bugged out on me again and went to bed. of course she played happy homemaker today so she is tired for EVERYTHING she did today. But you know what this night watch this is the hardest. sitting in the dark alone with a dying man. So why do I put up with it. I don’t know. Am I the one called to do it. Am I playing a martyr like I feel she has been. Have I been trying to take care of everyone emotionally to protect them. I hope I am doing what I feel called to do. But it does trouble me. To much time to think. Refusal to distract myself from this “transition” with the mundanes of life. Why I just don’t know.
So I ask please dear Lord God Creator and as someone else put it “the mid-wife of death” grant me this release. Grant me you peace and comfort. Grant my father your peace and comfort of calling him home soon to You, but when I’m not here.
Jan 2
Morning Ramblings from the bedside of a dying man -4
I just found a slip of scrap paper in a pile of miscellaneous flotsam that reads, “Bedlam wrapped in fury with a side order of chaos.” That is all.
December 30, 2012
I’m so tired and done with this shit. I need to go away to some far away beach house for a month. Taking donations or suggestions.
Jan 1
Morning Ramblings from the bedside of a dying man -3.1
I’ve spent more nights than just three at the side of my father’s bed since he entered hospice not to mention the one’s at the hospital and at rehab. But for one 3 so far Have I written about them. or things that cross my mind. At the beginning things were so fast and rushed through my brain I couldn’t even get them out in writing let alone any other form. Except for bitching maybe.
Truthfully I don’t want to spend any more time at the side of the bed or even writing. I want him to let go. I want to be able to let go of this dreaded waiting for finality. I;m tired of seeing his aged decrepid holocaust victim body (though he wasn’t one). Emaciated and contorted.
I’ve questioned my thoughts stance and actions on this ‘dying’ process. what if I was wrong. what if I should have done something more. what if I misunderstood the teachings on death and dying. why oh why do I question now and yet again. why this prolonged “transition” to the next life.
I don’t need any extra guilt. Had enough of the that already thank you.
This is a situation of no hope except for the release of the soul from this body. and I only hope it comes soon (but now I really hope not on my watch). and the hope that God will carry me through this. and of course carry the old man through this. So merciful God have mercy on us and bring an end to this this this…… “transition”. Hey I guess I can find several hopes after all, though it gives me no comfort.
Why the wait? why the prolonging of the inevitable?
Watching the suffering (though we medicate against the pain.) the anxiety it causes my mother and in turn us as well of him not taking in food and even more difficulty even water. Truthfully we didn’t think it was going to take so long. we thought days and at times hours. Signs and signals come and go. But as scripture says we do not know the day or the hour.
We’re all tired. Take us home.
Jan 1
Morning Ramblings from the bedside of a dying man -3
12:05 am
Will be taking a nap in a short just wanted to get some thoughts down quickly
Death watch continues. My shift for late night deliriums. What nightmares or stories lay ahead.
For a man who survived the depression and then WWII carreaning through his country of Poland, Nazis, Russians, and even a concentration camp in Romania I find it interesting he is now 88 years old and as he transitions to the next plane of existance that he looks like any one of those Jews who wear worked and starved to death in the concentration camps.
I also find that in his aged and decrepid body, now is curled into the fetal position. in a way poetic for the transition and rebirth into the next realm.
hard watching this crazy situation. and feeling everyone’s crazies. it all triggers my crazies.
I need one more cig and a nap before the night mares show up…
4am
No night mares that I could decipher. entering another time frame my father was chasing a white cat to catch. He “caught” the cat and brought it home to catch the two mice who where in his mother’s closet.
I don’t know why these “trips” trouble my siblings. They are what they are.
and like a child in the fetal position the man woke up ‘told me how he is chasing this cat to catch the mouse…. I gave him his medicine. I talked to him. I soothed him. I changed his diaper. I made him comfortable massaged his legs. and set him to sleep again. Just like I did my own children. Bizarre how things work.
With my first child I would fight these night waking times. as I grew older and the next child came I learned not to fight these times. to just accept the situation. there is nothing you can do except get through it. accept it for what it is. Granted I didn’t all the time. but as time moved on I did more and more. Made things lighter on the mind if not the body. and we journeyed on.
5:45
“The human spirit is strong and in some it is stronger than others. ” a friend said to me upon knowledge of my father’s lingering death
As far as the human spirit goes… I don’t know why anyone who has lived a long life and whose body is broken down and in pain would want to hang onto this life of pain and misery when the kingdom is right on the other side. I just see this life as completed time to move on. Then of course I am promptly reminded that maybe others still need to complete something not just him. Then again I don’t know what there is or is not left to complete either from him and the others may never complete or resolve when They can’t or won’t face it. Denial is a nasty place to be in.
I hope that when my time comes I will be able to release and go quietly and quickly.
Dec 31
Morning Ramblings from the bedside of a dying man -2
Sunday December 30, 2012
Hey folks, as much as I would like to send each of you a separate letter/note or talk, I just can’t get myself to do it. To go over and over it again gets to be too much. So I’m condensing it here.
What we thought was days or at times hours has now entered its third week of hospice for my dad at his home. The family is taking shifts to care for the parents. Dad is in “transition” (a great hospice term) to the next plane of existence. Going, what seems to be slowly and we hope comfortably. Mom is coping the best she can. Sometimes accepting other times not so much. The sibs are doing the best we can coping with the situations. Our immediate families have been great and supportive, as well as worried about our well being. I guess we were not prepared for a long drawn out process. I guess we thought dad would have a last and final cardiac event that would take him to his next life. Instead we just watch him fade. food and drink are on an as requested basis which doesn’t come often and comfort meds are via droppers. The priest has been to visit a few times already which does give my mom great comfort. Not sure of dad’s feelings as his consciousness and lucidity are hard to determine.
We all just carry on. I know I have prayers covering him and our entire family and I want to thank you for that. Keep them coming. This is a longer process than we thought. Well it feels quite long, yet time is short. What keeps coming to mind is what needs to be finished yet in his life. or is it what needs to be finished in our life before he can “transition”.
Oh LizBeth… I’m sooo sorry for all of you. I can’t imagine how exhausted and weary your poor heart must be. I will continue to pray that The Lord would be merciful to you all and shelter you in His almighty wings that you may have refuge. Thanks for keeping us posted. His strength is made perfect in our weakness, and His love casts out all fear. He goes before you and is your Good Shepherd. Praying for His peace that passes all understanding swwet Friend. Love you.
Thanks for your update. Been thinking of you and your family and keeping you in my prayers. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything. Hugs and peace, Kathy
I’ve definitely been thinking a lot about you and your whole family, LizBeth. I’m praying for peace and comfort and wisdom to care for your dad the best way possible.
Thank you all. Knowing that you are out there keeping us in your thoughts and prayers has been God-send. I’m grateful to have you in my life. Peace.
Dec 30
Just can’t say it over and over again.
This watching and waiting is a real bitch.
People’s lives are put in a holding pattern waiting for a resolution.
No hope for things to get better, Only to stop.
However, it does make some people face some issues. Some get processed through some continue to be denied. some people keep looking for something that will not occur grabbing on to anything to give them some kind of comfort.
Denial - anger - acceptance - all come, roll and rage disappear only to return later and at inopportune times.
And for some who have been granted acceptance and resolution and ready to move on, sit in the agony of just waiting. Waiting for an inevitable outcome which is bound to send the next wave of turmoil.
Why was I made this way? For such a time as these. It gave me a bizarre comfort when the thought arrived last week. Now not so much.
I more understand the want to be able to control one’s death. The decision when one comes to the end of ones life where being terminal is a double death sentence. One from the illness/disease the other from the process of dying. The fore knowledge is not all it is cracked up to be for anyone around. It can be a very abusive prolonged situation for many.
It has moved from the thought experiment to practical applications.
Watching people sleep is really only good in some situations. Like watching your children sleep. See them for who they are and who they will be. your hopes and joys and yes even some fears.
Watching a dying man sleep … well just not the same
Dec 26
Morning Ramblings from the bedside of a dying man -1
Like many I’ve encountered the Chicken Soup Sunday at Mom’s continues. Well kinda.
Chicken soup wasn’t ONLY for Sundays but it was ALWAYS on Sunday.
Now we have been able to get some soft foods into my dad. Now that he is home he will accept what we offer. Sometimes.
However, the only food he actually ASKS for is my mom’s chicken soup. I have to admit is my mom’s best dish. and no one makes it like her. It is full of chicken and great vegetables like carrots, celery, celery root, LOTS of parsley, leak, and a parsnip. It just might be full of vitamins. We don’t know and don’t care right now.
And so it is Sunday. Dad asks for chicken soup. He gets chicken soup. He eats chicken soup. Dad is content. Mom is thrilled.
And we keep on keeping on.
Dec 23
Chicken Soup
(As I watch my dad and wait for his passing.)
What else do you call it?
All I know this is not the time to be stoic. It is not time to stand steadfast and firm. It is a time to feel and reminisce. Why wait? Time to go through all the stuff that comes up from out of no where or from down deep in the shadow of our soul where only our Creator can see it.
It is time to stop and think. Feel and sort. Talk and weep. Laugh and sob. Don’t wait.
Don’t deny.
Don’t be afraid of anger. It cleanses the soul. Forces you to see and feel what you must.
